Tuesday, December 18, 2012

   7 days to go before the greatest occasion known to man kind- Christmas. 13 days from now would be the start of a new year. But only 18 days ago, my father, the greatest man in my life, passed away- having battled a rare cancer called Sarcoma for only 10 days... and just 14 days ago, he was laid to rest. Celebrating beautiful holidays without him is improbable if not impossible.

   Beside me in this little computer shop just a few kilometers from our home is a man, maybe of the same age as my father, maybe a dad of 3 girls like him.

 Like my father, he is looking at the news of today, maybe analyzing, maybe commenting,  maybe even cursing the stupidity of today's society, just as my father would do. There is no day, and will never be a day, that I would stop missing him. 

   My good friend Vic Medenilla sent me this quote, having lost a father herself, having no idea how to comfort (for there are no words that could- and she knows that, being in the same situation as I am today.)
Katniss Everdeen wrote and we quote, "The numbness of his loss had passed, and the pain would hit me our of nowhere, doubling me over, racking my body with sobs. Where are you? I would cry out in my mind. Where have you gone? Of course, there was never any answer."
But I know where he is, being a child of parents who as early as my young age opened me to the mysteries of death, heaven, eternal bliss, the beyond... I know the place he will go to and I know the abundant peace that he is to hold within him. I understood early on the mystery of passing- a rebirth, a start of living. Mourning over losing him would be a burden for him so I try to hold it within, making his journey to God as easy as possible. Because that is what we want for the people we love, right? But I mourn, my whole body mourns. My physical and emotional being aches from the loss, the yearning, the pain of his absence. How can I deny such emotions? How can a child accept the loss of a parent? How can a daughter live with that?

   Then again life should go on. And dad would want life at home to go on. I guess it is by taking everything one step at a time, one day at a time, laughing at the little things, talking about random stuff to random people, keeping good memories at bay and the bad ones dug beneath the surface... I would not know how to answer "How are you?" for a long time. At times I may be honest and people who asked for civility would get annoyed or people who asked out of sincerity would be put in an awful situation where advice and words of encouragement would ran out. At times I may lie or refuse to answer hence my pain would be prolonged by the denial I kept making. "How are you?" would scare me for quite some time, but it would keep me in check...

   It would take up my time- healing. And that's okay... for it should take time. It is not something to be rushed. Maybe I would lose more along the way- people, chances, time. But maybe, I too would gain just as much. I take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one realization and piece of my heart as days go by. Dad will forever be with me. He would smile at me each day, for day by day, I would get stronger. It is a promise to him, more than to myself. And One day, I would and could smile back at him, my sincerest and truest smile. For that day, I am okay, I'll be okay, having in my heart the truth and acceptance of the beautiful place he is in now... until I be with him again. 

I love you, dad.

I will always be your little girl.
You will always be my hero. 

Sol Felice

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